Ground display

Today sucked. Or maybe I just sucked at today. There are times, for no apparent reason, that this void fills me and it is a staggering lonliness I can't describe. I craved the heat today. Our back porch had to be 95 degrees, especially with the dryer running- and I just kept going back there and standing, looking out the back door. The stifling feeling of dry heat was a comfort to me.My sweet herb garden is so bountiful this year..and I wanted to go out and rip it all up. Yes-I sound insane. I kinda doubt if I am. Just a shitty day. The world seems so backwards. I hear the booms of neighbors shooting off fireworks right now. I just read that a young man from my communitywas killed in Afghanistan this week, his parents are making the trip to ID his body...while America lights sparklers. So f'd up.I look at my boys and wonder what their future holds.they won't have large circles of friends.they're probably not even going to drive a car, just being honest. I can see people sizing them up when we're out...I see their wheels turning. Trying to confirm in their minds that the guys do indeed have d.syndrome. If one more person says well they don't have it *that* bad do they..? Um- they just have it, ok.I want to protect them from so much. I want them to never have to see the looks, and to realize what's behind the eyes that question. I keep thinking of those parents, having to look at the body of their son. It makes me want to stand in that heat again, where I feel the hot air pressing in on me.I wonder if that's how that mother will feel- once she's standing over the body of her boy.Tomorrow will be different, it has to be. If not, I'm drinking all day.