baby,don't fear the reaper..

I've been turning over in my mind a highly popular subject lately-Fear. There have been several situations in my life over the past few weeks that have caused me to face fears.There was a creeper guy in my neighborhood knocking on windows,um..shirtless.At 10:30 pm.Saying he was out jogging and got lost.Ok...? Then another situation involving my daughter and another creeper dude,this time there was most certainly a weirdo involved.Things were kinda freaky for a couple days and she was left feeling vulnerable and weird...and scared. I've dealt with other fears in my life,as well. Fear of man-not being accepted,etc. Fear of losing my children-literally. But there are so many uncertainties out there that much about fear is just pissing me off. I don't want my little boys to be afraid,just because there are people in society that don't have boundaries.None of the boys have ever had a nightmare,which actually seems strange to me..but I'm grateful for.I've read articles about parents getting arrested because they let their child play outside alone.At 5&6 years old.Have we become so accustomed to criminal acts and lunacy that we think everything is scary?! I will continue to face my own fears,those silent ugly ones-with grace and perserverance and dignity.But I refuse to let my environment or society dictate that I should live in a state of fear...much less raise my family in that mindset.What a sad way to function. We have been given the gift of wisdom and I want to utilize it.

Ground display

Today sucked. Or maybe I just sucked at today. There are times, for no apparent reason, that this void fills me and it is a staggering lonliness I can't describe. I craved the heat today. Our back porch had to be 95 degrees, especially with the dryer running- and I just kept going back there and standing, looking out the back door. The stifling feeling of dry heat was a comfort to me.My sweet herb garden is so bountiful this year..and I wanted to go out and rip it all up. Yes-I sound insane. I kinda doubt if I am. Just a shitty day. The world seems so backwards. I hear the booms of neighbors shooting off fireworks right now. I just read that a young man from my communitywas killed in Afghanistan this week, his parents are making the trip to ID his body...while America lights sparklers. So f'd up.I look at my boys and wonder what their future holds.they won't have large circles of friends.they're probably not even going to drive a car, just being honest. I can see people sizing them up when we're out...I see their wheels turning. Trying to confirm in their minds that the guys do indeed have d.syndrome. If one more person says well they don't have it *that* bad do they..? Um- they just have it, ok.I want to protect them from so much. I want them to never have to see the looks, and to realize what's behind the eyes that question. I keep thinking of those parents, having to look at the body of their son. It makes me want to stand in that heat again, where I feel the hot air pressing in on me.I wonder if that's how that mother will feel- once she's standing over the body of her boy.Tomorrow will be different, it has to be. If not, I'm drinking all day.

collar tags

I had such a strange rememberance this morning.When I was growing up,my mom sewed.Like,alot.She is an incredible seamstress-honestly.But she wouldn't let me pick out the pattern or fabric for my clothes.We would go to the local fabric store,Lucia's...which was actually owned by our neighbor,Lucia Taylor.She was(is) one of the funniest and most interesting/eccentric people I've ever encountered.She was a world traveler and c-l-a-s-s-y.But man, was she funny.She was obsessed with her cats and had about 20 of them in her house.She also kept black birds in cages in her sunroom.Their house smelled of instant coffee,litter boxes and fabric.She kept all the inventory from the store in her basement, so there was hundreds of boxes of sewing notions and bolts of fabric.Also,my youngest brother had the misfortune of seeing her nipple in a mind numbing encounter with Lucia when he was about 13...all the poor kid was doing was running something to their front door for my mom.Lucia was in her seventies at this point,so not exactly a nip glance a young kid would hope for.Ha! Poor guy.
 Anyway-I was rembering Lucia this morning,and my mom sewing and the hours we would spend at that fabric store.I remember the beaded door curtain that led to the back room and how I would touch the beads and it seemed so mysterious to me-why they would be hanging in that sewing shop.I would pour over the pattern books and pick out cool and funky bell-bottoms and maxi skirts and gauzy tops with bell sleeves,inevitably my mom would refute any of my pleas and would pick out yet another plaid fabric for yet another jumpsuit,or Holly Hobby fabric for one more jumper dress. But *everything*she made for me,she would sew a tag in that said really funny things.Like, 'for my sweetheart'..or 'made with love'...or 'sewn for someone special'. Isn't that funny? I loved it and as frustrated as I was with having another yellow jumpsuit with ric-rac and a striped belt hanging in my closet,I couldn't wait to see what 'message' was on the tag. I know now,that it may have been difficult for her to show affection or be demonstrative. I may not have been whispered those words in my ear..but in the little ways. The ways that I am NOW seeing clearly.

bare bones

I am starting fresh. I intended on going back to my dormant blog,but I opted to start a new one.I've spent the last week trying to jazz it up,which ends up with me uber frustrated so then I'm changing things nonstop...dumb.I still have tweaking to do but I will spend all my energy on the details and not post-which is the objective for this anyway.I don't have so much of an intended 'theme' per se for this blog,as much as just knowing that I.need.it. I realize that it will often seem random and botchy(or bitchy-whichever!) I'm cool with that and there again, I need it to be that way. I have so many things going on and thoughts running through me these days. Desperate for change,yet trying to be very present in my everyday existance.Dan and I are connecting on such a deeper level and for the first time,I *know* he is ready for us to do what it takes for radical change,as well. I don't know what that means yet,it may just mean paring down to the nitty gritty and getting away from anything excess that is a distraction. It could mean a super duper change such as selling tons of our shit and moving somewhere else.It could mean him quitting his job and being self employed. Who knows.We are whittling away at debt right now, because the first order of 'business' is just freeing ourselves monetarily.I don't want to be enslaved to anything.I want us to be able to step back and make these decisions without feeling the constraints of the Mighty Dollar above us.Nothing radical scares me..almost to a fault. That's my free spirit who's always looking for the next 'high' from flying by the seat of my pants.Balance,Ang. I can fulfill so many desires and be smart about it, and D. and I be on the same page,as well.That always helps when you're hoping to have a healthy relationship;)
 So that's where I am.Throwing words out to anyone who might listen to them-while gearing up for new horizons on the homefront.Life is good. And we have been so blessed. I don't ever want to squander any awesomeness that's been bestowed on us.I've spent most of my life running *from*, now I'm ready to keep running,just face forward this time.